Tales from the Darkside: Working In Retail

Hello. I have spent the last year of my life working in retail. Although this won’t look as good on my CV as some things I could’ve done (and to those of you who got proper jobs and achieved life goals, I am in awe), I got some money out of it, met some people, and most importantly became better at mental maths. However, in case some of you crazy kids care to go into this most rewarding of jobs, I have some advice on how to cope with the what is basically the work equivalent of a Dementor.

      1)      Customers are simultaneously the best and worst people in the world

There is no in-between. Either a customer will be kind, funny, easy to work with and filled with good cheer, or will despise you and deliver an experience akin to being throttled repeatedly as someone screams the theme tune to Chuggington into your ears for three days straight. It gets worse with complaints: people get haughty and righteous and it is unnerving to deal with. This is particularly applicable to older customers, who have suffered years of the indignity of social interaction and are no longer willing to put up with anything- be it good or bad. They’ll either talk your ear off with the dullest stories imaginable (stamp-collecting, or their interest in owls), or criticise the way you press the buttons on the till. Try and weather the storm: a thick skin is essential. It’s sometimes comforting to remember that they are like this to everyone, and so, somewhere, there is a tribe of people who have all suffered at the hands of Janice and her loose change, your brothers in arms. There is no experience as unifying as having an old lady shout at you.

      2)      Develop your customer face

Customers do not like the annoyed, the irritated, or the sulky, and maybe more importantly neither do your managers. Therefore, develop a cheery persona as quickly as possible. Smile so much your jaw aches; be so chirpy that your goodwill is shouted into people’s faces at 69 decibels. Apply that much beloved GCSE drama terminology: a sprightly gait, positive tone and warm facial expression to suggest that you don’t hate your job, and wouldn’t rather be a grave-digger in Solihull. For more fun and games, time how quickly your friends can switch between customer voice and real voice: the vocal dexterity required puts Keith Harris to shame.

      3)      Stock becomes the most important thing in the world

I have never been so invested in the price of white cheese rolls before. Restocking, selling and ordering stock becomes your life- a simple price shift immediately destabilises your world. Our lattes went up from 2.70 to 2.85 once. I couldn’t believe it. How was I expected to calculate the extra 15p when telling customers prices? Or keep up with the rapidity of rice cakes appearing and disappearing from the stockroom? But equally there is a feeling of pride when you manage to get a suggestion put through- something to brighten the endless feeling of inadequacy that is the human condition. For instance, I once managed to get a display moved from one side of the room to the other. It was like winning an Oscar. On the other hand, when the freezer breaks down, watching boxes and boxes of Magnums being destroyed is the most supreme tragedy. Scarred for life.

      4)      It might put you off kids

I say ‘kids’ PLURAL with emphasis. A child individually can brighten your day by paying for something themselves cutely, or by adorably harassing their parent. However, when there are about 40 of them, screaming, screeching, as you try to deal with three complaints and a broken bottle, you do understand why Warner Leisure Hotels exist. Additionally, highchairs are near impossible to clean properly, and you don’t want to face a floor after children have had their lunch. One word: jelly.

  

      5)      It’s alright really

Honestly, you get paid, the people are nice, the work is easy and food is often plentiful. There are worse things to be doing. At the end of the day, there’s only 50 years before retirement, and it’s something to do, isn’t it?